C’mon New York!
See this girl looking at her phone as she crosses the street? Yeah, this is about her. And possibly about you, too, so pay attention. I’m going to talk about some of the little things that piss me off about living in a big, modern city.
Now, I could spend a good many hours talking about the audacity of most delivery bikers, but I accept that their jobs are pretty thankless, that they’re trying to be efficient, etc. To them I say, please just try to stay on the road instead of the sidewalk, obey traffic lights like the rest of us do most of the time, and try not to kill me. This isn’t China (if you’ve ever been to China you know what I mean). I’ll consider them addressed… for now.
BUT IF I AM SHOULDER CHECKED BY ONE MORE PERSON WHO IS LOOKING DOWN AT THEIR PHONE, AND THEREFORE NOT WHERE THEY ARE WALKING, I WILL KNOCK THAT PHONE RIGHT OUT OF THEIR HANDS AND PRAY TO THE DEVIL IT CRACKS IRREPARABLY. That is false. I would not do that, but I might if I were wired differently. Instead, I usually just say “pay attention” in an annoyed tone and a bit too quietly for them to ever hear. But it helps me.
When you are walking down the street—especially in NYC, where space is sacred—watch where you are going. It’s that simple. There is absolutely, positively no reason you need to be reading a text or scrolling through Instagram or watching a video while you are in motion. If it needs to be done right then and there, step to the side, lean against the pigeon-pooped building, and take care of business.
Walking in general is, for some reason, an issue here. Just like driving, try to walk on the right and pass on the left. This is a rule many follow, but those with a mind for chaos do not. There are just too many of us to make up your own rules. Imagine how it would feel if a car were coming AT you in your lane when it should be across the double yellow line. It’s like that, but with much less danger. Fix yourselves.
Also, if you are walking side by side by side with two others, taking up the entire width of the sidewalk, I should not have to shimmy beside a lamppost to continue my walk. I’ve given way too many groups the evil eye above my mask. You should assume a single file line or at least one of you should step behind the others. Thank you in advance.
Then there’s the clothing. If there is a windchill of negative one, the fashion competition is over. You don’t look cool baring your midriff beneath a flimsy pleather blazer. You look like an idiot. This is the northeast. Patch up your jeans and invest in a pair of gloves with fingers. Winter is not the time for broken clothing.
If you toss your empty bagel foil towards a trashcan and it misses, don’t pretend you didn’t see it hit the ground; pick it up, goddamnit. Yes, you can cross the street on a red light if there are no cars, but this isn’t Frogger. If there are seven cars ahead of you at a light, including some blocking the box, honking is not going to get you anywhere. And oftentimes, one short honk is just as heard as a sustained blast that ricochets across boroughs; someone will think you’ve fallen dead against the wheel. WEAR A MASK on the subway. Check your MetroCard funds so you don’t cause a clog; or better yet, just start tapping your credit card and save the rest of us the panic that comes with seeing the train right in front of our eyes and hearing “stand clear of the closing doors, please” but not being able to do anything about it because you are swiping haphazardly or trying to push the turnstile in the wrong direction. Phew, breathe. If your dog poos in the middle of the sidewalk, pick it up, and try to do so with an up and down motion, not side to side as some seem to; it’s not street art. Do not bring your own personal speaker onto the subway without headphones. Hold the door. Any door.
Yes, this has been me complaining for a bunch of paragraphs, perhaps about things you disagree with. But I wanted to share how consistently baffled I am by some people and their lack of awareness—spacial, situational, and otherwise. Sometimes, we all just need to let it out, so thank you for being an unwilling audience.
Life in any city comes with its downsides. I have mentioned many times the little quirks of NYC that make it a marvelous place to live, so it was time. In the end, I feel privileged to be able to notice these things at all, to have gotten to know the city well enough to be able to coach it on where its people can improve, and to have the luxury of fussing about the little things over others.
What can I say? Complaining is fun. But I won’t do it at full volume, through my AirPods, on a packed subway car. Just no.