Going Under the Knife

In milder terms, I’m getting surgery. On Monday, I will be wheeled into the OR to undergo jaw surgery that will move my top jaw forward a handful of millimeters. Sounds fun, no?

My journey to this moment started with a dentist appointment over a year ago. She told me I should look into Invisalign, because the misalignment of my teeth was causing gum recession and loose teeth and would eventually lead to greater issues. Wary of this new (and expensive) opinion, I returned to Bridgham and Barr in Somers (the best) for a more trusted look. Unfortunately, they sighed and said Invisalign would not be enough.

I’ve been wearing Invisalign for the past year or so and will continue to wear the aligners for months after surgery. I cannot wait until the day when these little bumps come off my teeth and I can use white strips again! But there’s a lot to endure before that day arrives.

Right now, I am mentally preparing to have my mouth rearranged. Apparently, it’s going to slightly change my profile, from my lips to my cheekbones. People who have undergone these procedures claim they see more of their younger selves in their post-surgery faces. I guess that’s a good thing? Maybe I will get a bob haircut with straight bangs to match. Just kidding.

I’ve gone under general anesthesia a few times before, for a thumb surgery in seventh grade and for two medically necessary nose surgeries since then. I pride myself on a calm head through it all, which helps me experience largely painless and stress-free recoveries. Even when a scab in my nose fell off and caused a torrential bleed that came from all orifices, I joked from the ER that I looked like the Bond villain Le Chiffre, who bleeds from his eye while playing poker. A sense of humor is important. My dad did not think this was funny.

My parents are really worried, as they have every right to be. I am a little nervous, myself. But I know that mental strength is going to be the key to getting through this as smoothly as possible, so if that means I have to share some Oxy with my parents, so be it. Oh my god, I am just kidding. Jeez.

I won’t be able to eat solid food for about two weeks. I plan on stocking up on Ensure, applesauce, and blend-able foods. Yum. Nothin’ like green juice on Christmas morning. If you want to lose some weight, jaw surgery is your ticket. That was also a joke. Get off my back.

Needless to say, I will not be hitting the town this holiday season. If you would like to pay me a visit on my sick bed, I will have a dry erase board for communication and will be accepting all sympathy gifts placed under the tree. Come by to watch a movie, or a series of movies, or the entire run of a television show. Maybe we can memorize pi together, or crochet a king-size blanket, or build all of my Harry Potter LEGO sets. The options are endless, as long as I can sit on my ass.

Anyway, I hope you all have a lovely holiday season and new year. Have a good chew for me.