Hello? Earth to Liv!
Yes, for the last two months, my phone has been off the hook, so to speak. Liv In The City has been dormant. But I am alive and mostly well. Sometimes—as Forrest Gump coined—shit happens. For me, that shit came in the form of losing my new job not two months after starting it, and in a manner more unfortunate than most. The opposite of shit also happens, whatever that means. For me, the opposite of shit meant the welcome ramping up of my MFA program. So, over the last couple of months, if I was placing my hands on the keyboard of this laptop, it was to either continue my job search or write fiction for my workshops.
There are many things in life that I’ve started and not finished: karate, tennis, guitar, piano, the wooden dollhouse gathering dust in our basement, that bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos three years ago (talk about getting out what you put in). I am not going to let this blog be one of those things. One day, Liv In The City will come to a close, but not today, goddamnit.
I ran into someone from Lafayette at a birthday party this weekend—someone I probably hadn’t spoken to since freshman year orientation. And she told me she reads my blog. So this reemergence is for people like Erin: people who happen across my links on Facebook and LinkedIn and reinforce my desire to share little bits of my life, “in the hope someone (perhaps you!) can find comfort in the familiarity of these experiences.” (Quote taken from the About page of this site, because why fix it if it ain’t broke…)
And so here I am again, writing to you all, sharing my life, in all its human glory.
There’s a book my parents got me for my college graduation, one many of us read: The Defining Decade. It’s all about your 20s and how to make the most of one of the most important times of your life. I’ve been thinking about the concept of this book for the last many weeks, which I think has been damaging.
Sometimes, it’s frustrating to put so much pressure on these ten years. Sometimes, when you are doing what you feel is your absolute best, the world doesn’t reward you for it. Sometimes, the market doesn’t play to your strengths. You find yourself in a rut and need to chill awhile until the mud dries up and you can pull yourself out. You have all the time to think about what you’re doing with your life and wonder if it’s the right stuff. You are reminded daily of the others who have the things you don’t: a job, a romantic relationship, money to burn, confidence, a thigh gap…
I’ll pause here to apologize for the depressing nature of all this. Please, readers, do not worry about me in what I am saying here, despite its truth. I’ve been taking medication for depression for four and a half years now, so I am very aware of when I am feeling further down in the dumps than usual. It just helps to write it down.
I’m here to tell others who may feel they’ve become way too familiar with their own personal dumps—especially as the “merriest” season is upon us with its true gloom—that this is not forever. Sooner or later, I will get a job, a relationship, financial stability, and more confidence in my ability to achieve what I believe I can. (I will never have a thigh gap, nor do I strive for one, because my body is NOT built that way, but I digress.)
I also want to take a moment to thank my parents, grandparents, sisters, and friends, who have been very vocal during this time about helping me out and supporting me. I hope everyone has these people.
The 20s are defining because they’re really good at screwing you over and challenging you to hoist yourself back up. When I lost my job, I told myself that everything happens for a reason. Maybe the opportunity I land next will be life-changing, and I would have never known. Maybe the fiction I’ve been writing has been better developed because of the more time I can spend on it. Maybe. Samuel L. Jackson didn’t become a movie star until his 40s—I’m sure he tried and failed to make other life plans for himself before then, but eventually, he found his direction.
Shit happens, folks. But shit is also biodegradable and in fact very good for plant growth. So take your shit, toss it out the window, and maybe one day you’ll wake to a beanstalk waiting to lift you onto your next big thing.
I’ll sign off now, but I’m going to keep coming to Liv In The City to write what I am feeling and hope it helps. Hope it helps me and you. So with that, in the words of a man who tried bodybuilding and politics before finding his true calling on the silver screen, “I’ll be back.”